Hello Spuds! I hope you all survived the Christmas holiday season.”Holiday Edition: The season came on fast like the sharp pain of stepping on broken Christmas tree bulb glass. This year the money was tight early so, i had to wait until three days before Xmas to shop.Now,for you people who like to shop and find buying junk relaxing,fine.We last minute shoppers know we aren’t the only ones shopping,but please back off!;You shopping fiends know who we are,you can spot us from a mile away.We are the Zombie looking motherfuckers with glazed over eyes in search of something,anything to appease the Mall Gods! When you see us please, step aside and  let us get our two-too-three gifts bought and then to quietly fade into the crowd.

Mission:In and Out. Operative:Santa’s little helper………..//My crew landed on the icy black parking lot,before we even knew it, half our platoon had disappeared. We fought our way through the old ladies and grandmothers (as they eyed their cabbies in-case they stole anything from their precious bags.)After fighting the cold and the hordes of Salvation Army beggars( I already gave you five bucks) and drunks,jolly freaks,thieves and running car exhaust …. I reached  the door and stepped in(Keep smiling)a man said as I passed through the revolving door….Yessss I thought,good advice….Then my mind began to wander and I wondered how a zombie would look with a smile……The faces i remembered entering the mall with had all but gone.I was all that was left of my unit…..The throngs of cheerful fucks were everywhere,their mouths dripping with insincerity as they talked to old friends they haven’t seen in three years.As they talk they size each other up….Judging…Wondering which family has a better life?Each hoping it is theirs!….The hope they are the most outwardly presentable family!.Then as the couples,friends,school buddies,family,part ways the gossip begins…………I stayed in the food court….nobody in there right minds would have time for the food court,there’s just no time.I was right only about fifteen people sat eating in a cafeteria that at least sits 150………..

Hidden among the fake ferns and palm trees I chewed a burger…..Meat,is what I craved….A Zombie warrior is always hungry,always planning his next move. I moved on one of the big department store chains……I did a little recon,it wasn’t hard to see that only the hardcore shopper would wait in those giant lines with that amount of junk,So I swiftly moved away from the heavily guarded store….I walked aimlessly for another hour finally finding my brothers gift in a small little goods store…..The battle raged on!…..I checked my supplies…jack-knife..Check!..Bottled Water..Check!….Money..Check!..Energy barz….Check….List….Check!…Everything is accounted for.My mother gave me a pass this year…sweet lady…all she wanted was a gift card to a well known ladies clothing store here in town….I knew that this”Little Pass”gift thing wasn’t going to fly.I’m not falling for the “Oh son, it doesn’t matter what you get me I’ll be happy!” Ok,I love my mom but don’t fall for it guys…..go the extra mile….you lazy asses….

I found my Mom a nice chainsaw..hahaha just kiddin I was thinking hows easy shopping would be if       I was wildly swinging a chainsaw  through the air as even the hard-cores recoiled in horror as their lives passed through their eyes…. My mission was almost complete…I needed one last thing for Mom so i bought her a heating pad….an other little gifts……..While Standing in line to buy the heating pad a man behind me smiled at me.It was the man I had met in the revolving door…I thought he left….Hello I said…His smile widened even more and said “well hello big fella how you getting along?I see you’re keeping up the smiling bit!”I could see the man was a veteran of many Christmases past and he seen the best and the worst  the holidays can throw ones way.”He said you’ll be ready for some whiskey soon”I thought what the fuck who is this man?I was just thinking of ordering some Crown Royal as soon as I reached home.I just smiled back and said”Sure am”….

I met many people I hadn’t seen in years and since I don’t live up to their standards it is easy to rid myself of these superficial,Societal thugs,with two words “Gotta Go”or”I’m Late.”I have no time or patience for acquaintances………Mission Accomplished!

I’ve come to realize we are all douche bags.When the family chats at the dinner table all i hear is work this work that…parents comparing their kids like they were inbred show dogs with college degrees……I’ve found myself caught up in these conversations just to seem somewhat engaged.We have become rabid consumers of our children’s and Our own Ends,were the destination is all that matters! It’s this constant state the parent tries to imprint  into other peoples minds that their beautiful little boy or girl is perfectly on course too becoming perfect!Much better than your child!It all makes me sick!  I call………..Fucking Douche Bags!…. I like the part of the holidfays that gets left out……like laughing with my brother over something stupid…or helping mom with the turkey while we simultaneously poke fun at one another……Watching comedies constantly……..And hanging with close friends for a good drunk—-I love Christmas lights!!!! Yeah that is what I like…..I guess the best thing to do is to keep smiling…………P.P………Stay happy Spuds…..Have fun!

“Hello my Spuds,I hope you’re all well this cold winters eve.”I would like to begin by saying,please,no matter who you are and what your social standing is with your immediate family is,call them,and tell them you love them!Don’t be afraid of the what ifs.Just do it! Love is important! Don’t let grudges and fear fester in your heart;Tell them how much they mean to you!

I’m now find myself in a codeine fog,and I like it here.My body is warm and I can’t feel the pain that has been maliciously attacking me on a day to day basis.Plus,the euphoria is nice too….Earlier,I was scoffing down a ham and swiss sandwich when I had a “Eureka” moment….Yes,it could have been the drugs,or,it could have just been me,……….Fastforward dammit! I found myself playing the electric guitar when all of a sudden I turned the volume down on my T.V.(usually I do this before I play.)Anyway,as I lowered the volume my guitar made a sound that I will try to replay now.It went.doo,doo,doo,doo,Volume down!Volume up,Dee,dee,dee,dee.Some how the pick-ups on my guitar started making sweet love to my remote.Maybe it was a transmission from outerspace that only a guitar and remote could catch while being played simultaneously,or it was the mating call of two electronic beings?Could it be I’ve stumbled onto the primitive language of  the inanimate? Could it be they aren’t inanimate at all.I studied their habits for some time.I could find no clear inflections…Maybe we were never meant to know. Maybe next time we’ll be more careful when we call something “void of life”(Inanimate.)

Perhaps it can be easily explained away by sound waves or some kind of waves,period!Or maybe the codeine is to strong?I could go for another ham and swiss. Jesus,this is lunacy! On the flip side all is quiet on the farm.word is,that our native brothers to the north are not being treated so good by are government.Their is to much racism in our politics and in our streets.We colonized a people we called savages many years ago,Imagine we the so-called civilized world calling a people as brave and honorable,noble, as the native peoples of our land,savages just because we couldn’t understand their ways.We drop bombs on people from thousands of miles away because some old man fills us with fear.We are the savages!We could learn a thing or two from our red brothers and sisters.

I created a song with my remote and guitar,and they made sweet love.Why can’t we as living supposedly,loving people do the same?….Fastforward….Last night I ate a cheesy I found under the skirt of my bed,In hindsight it might not have been a good idea;But,I did it anyway.

It is at this time of year I long for love and try to give out as much love as I can. It would be nice to have a girl by my side to share the holidays with,then get down and dirty with once the lights go out! So you gentlemen who are lucky enough to have a lady hanging off your arm,and lucky enough for her to love your slobbering,dirty,ape,ass.Treat your women like the queens they are,this holiday season………..Damn emotions…..Fastforward…………ahhh SweetPotato….It would be nice to hear from you…….

I’ve been studying a lot of history lately and it is driving me bonkers.The history they taught us in school was,and still is,a fraud!!!….We all know the winners write history….I’ve also come to the realization that history is a lie.What we have been taught and what we really think is truth,if enough research is done you will find that your rosy colored axioms are lies. Please..Wake-Up and see the world for what it really is….Like George Carlins first rule”Never believe a fucking single word the government tells you!”And second,Another Carlin quip”I’m not a good american! I’ve got this funny thing I do called,Thinking”"I don’t roll over when the government tells me to!” I miss that man…..As you know by now,there is nor Rhyme nor Order to my convoluted ramblings. I write it as I remember it,wait,is that how I do it.

I suggest one more thing this long winter.Learn some new hobbies,we could be in for a long one!Fastforward………..it has been a long two months since my Pops passed and I know that I have been surly feeling the saddness,but,you see I have this cat called Elmo…I know..I Know…I wasn’t home when they named him.I just call him Moe.Anyways,I am starting to notice little quirks and oddities he is displaying on a daily basis.He is fourteen and he was my Dads special friend.lets just say they had an understanding.I know and have read that animals are very intuitive,strangely enough I think the little fellow is depressed.Now I have been told that cats and dogs have a short memory. I kinda of hope this theory is true for my cats sake,but I don’t think it is true.I find him looking in certain rooms waiting for my dad to rev him up and get him all excited.It’s funny but they used to talk all morning long.It actually drove me crazy with lack of sleep.I truly think my cat is grieving.If cats are capable of such emotions.I think he knows something is not right,and that a part of him is gone.He hurts…..I could be wrong…wouldn’t be the first time….I’ve got Moes back in the mean time. i talk to him all day and get his favorite string out and play with him.I love the little ninja…….”be good to one another Spuds,and laugh a-lot,as much as you can!

As I lay on my backside and convalesce I wonder what Christmas will bring?

P.P……….Is Out!!!!!!!!

“Hello my Spuds,and welcome to another installment of whatever the fuck!”The nights are longer and the days,shorter,that is why I find myself battling cabin fever.Cabin fever already?Yes!”Cabin Fever!” I feel a loss of energy.To sum it up quick I use these words”The urge to do nothing!” I’m not one to be beaten so easily by this madness,no! I was tinkering with my guitar unable to find any sound that pleased me,when I thought too myself”what’s on the radio?”Yes,what could be ravaging the airwaves,bucking the old medium? I ran to my old ghetto blaster and switched on and tuned in!AM was an instant success in my book;A man was speaking of alien reptiles loosed on the world,taking human shape,to hide their obviously hideous faces.I thought to myself V the TV series was either dead or soon to be dead,but,this man believed it to be real.

I have come across many conspiracy theories in my time of internet surfing.First of all Conspiracy theories should be called just theories.Because conspiracy loans itself as a negative connotation to the word theory. Would a scientist who thought the earth was round be called a conspiracy theorist if he hadn’t the practical means to prove it? like,say,space travel.Mathematics can only prove so much until one has to see it with his own eyes to believe. And,believe me I hate those people “seeing is believing!” they say.Well,I can’t see radio waves but i know they are their because of the invention of the radio.

Never the less, I take no stalk in alien reptiles infiltrating high offices of power to run the world,although a lot of politicians act cold blooded……What the fuck?Blathering imbecile I am…! So,yes the radio was and still is entertainingly,good,fun! I listened to sports,some idiot talk about how the economy is gonna get better,a cooking show,and my personal favorite music.Fucking A!Eh!

Lately my Word-press home page has been inundated with slobbering,glad handing,fecal eaters,trying to court me.They try and gain my trust by leaving me messages like,”Love your blog! Wanna maximize your input and blah,blah,blah? These Spam sandwiches hope to gain my favor by showering me with praise. For all I know, it is piss. I would like to talk to anyone other than those panderers.But,alas,I don’t get many comments to answer.Poor old me.GOOOOOOO FUck YOuRself PeCulIarPOtAtO!!!! you starchy slut! Ahh that feels better.Gotta beat back the ego when it rears its’ ugly head.

As some of you know,I like to write fiction and other such nonsense,anyway,I finally found a way through a story that has bothered me for over two years and I hope to finish it very soon.As for you my Spuds I hope you are all well and staying warm this winter.”Radio….live transmission” Lyrics by Joy Division.If you get bored try the radio.There is something calming about just listening to the subject matter and using your imagination for the scenery…….PeculiarPotato…….P.P……

P.S. Once again drop me a line.It would be nice to hear from any of you.Say what you like bad or good,your welcome here all the same.

Today I came into a little cash and since I still deal with the postal service I had to cash my check at the bank.I was in and out in minutes.I could feel the walls closing in as I stood in line.I thought any minute now some suit will come and sodomize me while simultaneously ripping my pockets open to strip me of any money or dignity.But no!I escaped the fuckers.A suit asked me about credit cards,I eyed him and said I have to pick up my hat at the dry-cleaners(food for thought fucker) and out the door I went.Pig! I gave him something to think about as I quickly exited the back-door(no pun intended.)

As I do every month i went to have a drink of tea at my favorite coffee shop.Feeling happy I ordered  some sort of raspberry tea and an apple muffin. I sat and listened to Jimmy Hendrix as the tea gave me a much needed boost of vitality.Then,all together and all at once,I spilled said tea on my lap.This created a problem.My crotch was soaked and so was the red leather chair. I looked around the cafe for any onlookers,none was to be found.So I sat for about an hour until my pants started to dry.Using my coat as cover,I felt protected and not like a man who had just pissed his pants. I acted normal,as normal as a talking potato can act.After surveying the situation I scanned the room for the quickest way to the exit,then it was just the simple matter of hailing a cab.The cab took forever,or so it seemed,as I ran into an old friend.We talked about life in general,you know,small talk…..which I hate.The cab finally came. Waving good by to my old buddy I quickly jumped into the cab,leaving people none the wiser about my soaked crotch. To the liquor store Deniro,and step on it! I ended up with a bottle of scotch and two bottles of shiraz. I will now embark on a journey of drunken debauchery,no telling were this little potato will end up……I don’t drink Vodka,it is made with potatoes.It is a holocaust on a grand scale…………..P.P.  love you spuds…..Sincerely, PeculiarPotato.

“Hello my spuds,I hope you are well on this long Thanksgiving weekend.”" And for my American friends an early Thanksgiving salute too you as well, even though your thanksgiving celebration isn’t until November 24Th.”" I’m not gonna lie it has been a ruff month for me to say the least,but, I thought I would try to steal away a little happiness, as much as I can at this time,and since writing is like meditation for me what the hell.”"I already feel guilty” My Pops is in the hospital as I speak fighting for his life after a tough bypass operation.”"No simple procedure since the doctors bypassed five blocked arteries.”"So I call it a fivepass Op.”

Like I said I’m gonna a steal a little time to talk about other things,but I find myself talking about the same thing anyway but this time I will talk about the environment I was in for three straight days and six days altogether.  ”Imagine yourself outside a mammoth building with a giant H,it’s intimidating”"Now imagine yourself inside the beast,and holyshit, right there in the corner is a Tim Hortins!”"I was thinking coldpotatosoup that is convenient.”"Then I thought of Canada and how soon enough our army will be wearing Tim Hortin swag for uniforms.”"Tim Hortins has systematically taken over Canada.”" If you are American reading this. just think of Starbucks.”"And Damn we have a lot of Starbucks here too.”"Coffee shops be full of spy’s! Christ they already know what you eat and how you pay and your body language plus facial features.”"I was right, it is a conspiracy!”

“Under the fog of a steeped tea I realized this is a hospital.”"Timmy’s even knows our ailments.”"I’ll keep a close eye on those tweens working for C.S.I.S.,Canadian version of C.I.A.”"Anyway……Fastforward..”What is with all the grammar?” I don’t have any grammar skills.”Fuck it…………..Fasforward.”"So I find myself on the second floor waiting room with people I’ve never met but soon build a close bond of misery with.” “The room is no personality eggshell white” with a picture of the people who were nice enough to donate this waiting room for us grievers.” I think they’re really Sadists in disguise!”"They probably have their own camera mounted in the corner so they get a better view of the weeping, the sick fuckers!”"Oh shit that plaque is already twenty years old and by the looks of the people who donated the room,either they lived to a hundred or I’m just a crazy Potato……Hmmmmmmm.”"Fastforward>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>….” In the whole entire room there was one painting brush strokes and all,I know,I felt them!”"The painting was of a sunny day in October.”"I’m thinking how convenient that is. Hey it’s October so we’ll throw up the old Autumn painting.”"Here take down this summer painting Timmy, you know what to do.”"Throw in the backroom over there,and keep it well out of eye shot!”

Three different floors three different waiting rooms all as impersonal as the last.” the sofa were a comfortable as sleeping on a triangle which I did for three days.” I’m just saying spend a little money fuckers!”"Maybe I’m being to ruff ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…….Fastforward>>>>>>>>….. I stocked up on donuts and every other unhealthy thing I could for some kind of sustenance,this made me feel even more guilty”"There were T.V.’s in every waiting room, some even had their own washrooms,but, I swear to God that every room had a relic from the past watching either soaps or local politics at night.”"I would gap in and out of sleep wondering when this nightmare would end,even today I know I have to go back there for the sake and love of my Dad.”" I’m bitching for fun just because waiting rooms are exactly made for what their name implies,waiting.But,when a family is waiting in the I.C.U.waiting rooms the seconds seem like minutes, the minutes like hours”"So all you Hospital bigwigs out there spend a little money on good sofas.”"Because all your selling with your bowl of wax fruit is the Illusion of comfort”

“On a serious note you doctors and nurses keep up the good work.We put are lives in your hands.”"I also realize that the government is constantly cutting essential programs from our healthcare,or charging to high a price for some other programs!”"The last day I was there, as i was leaving I went to Timmy’s for a Honey Cruller,(I love those things!”)’But, before I asked for my honey cruller the young man at the counter said honey cruller sir.”" I looked towards every corner of the store and then into the eyes of the enemy and said” No,no,just a plain doughnut.”"The kid eyed me as I eyed him back.I said “until next time Timmy! Until next time.”…….and I was gone.

All my love to my Dad and the giant motley crue of freedom warriors all over America and soon to be Canada to stay safe out there with those system whores, the cops.”"Help Bring down Wallstreet and the worlds banksters! They are a plague but we will morph into a superior virus and destroy them! Another shout out to Anonymous,Well played and I love what your doing I just hope you’re not another black Op surprise. but from what I’ve seen I think you’re here to aid, like you say. the 99%.”..”Go out into the street free Men and Woman,fight for your freedoms!” PeculiarPotato Out.

“Hello my Spuds and welcome to another installment of ummmmmmm PeculiarPotatoPresents: Something,yes. Anyways, I hope you are all well and rested and sexually active….What!…Forward…….K, Today was another great lazing around day. And so, I began to paint.” I have little,or,no idea how to paint! But,I have paint, and brushes so that is a good start. I have this mini canvas I bought at the dollar store around four years ago,and so,I’ll be using it. So I began my painting.Then I quickly stopped! I wondered what type of painter I am? A Realist? Surrealist,?Minimalist,?Abstract?Etc.?……..Fuck it! fast-forward……………..Oh Hi. I kinda left this blog for an hour or two. I was hungry and so I ate a left over burger…..SweetPotato you didn’t hear that.Anyway, Now I’m back, but I didn’t come unarmed. no no no.I have ketchup,mustard,and pesto.hahhahaha oh yes. Time to paint!……..damn mustard cap cut me! Hold on I’m a trained professional at bandage care. The cap pinched the top of my pointer finger…………..Holyshit…….blood makes a nice red…mmmuaaahhhhaaahhahah! I’m a mad painter. I seriously used some of my blood to paint. I’m sure it has been done many times but, has it been done with Pesto, mustard,ketchup?

My hand was throbbing from me squeezing out the blood onto my makeshift pallet,so, I walked to the washroom sat down on the side of the tub with my bandages,rubbing alcohol, and paper towel. I am a true paranoid when it comes to cuts. So, aside from cauterizing my own flesh,I doused my cut in rubbing alcohol………..Jesusmaryofst.peterstesticles get on with it…….Fast-Forward….Oh hello again. I got side tracked again I’m learning this wicked blues lick by Marty Shwartz on youtube. Check Marty out somtime if you find your way onto youtube. I didn’t really mean to give him a plug mostly because he doesn’t need it.But, he really is a good guitar teacher and it’s free…FUCK!>>>>>>>>>>>>Fast-Forward………..”Hola, My Spuds! I’m back in the painting groove most of my blood has dried so, I just added water to perk it up. Sick you say….Fuck you! I am an artiste!haahhaha Anyway, I started the painting with nice mix of black and white shading until I realized I just made grey. So,I added more white to saturate the shade. I put two black dots right in the middle of the painting.Then in the middle of those dots I put in a mix of pesto and mustard,heavy on the Pesto. You see these are the eyes. I decided to make a self portrait without a mirror.I decided to make a self portrait from what I thought of myself and some of what I ate.The ketchup and alot of white paint made up the facial features and the blood made the skin “POP” hahahhaWHAT!…..Forward. So yes, I made a painting.Strange?Yes,most definitely! 

The painting looked like shit and yet it spoke to me. It said: “Potato, you are crazy!” I turned around with all the drama of a grand thespian and replied, “no! No! fake painted potato, you’re crazy!.”..and…end seen….Well done everyone. it’s a rap.Painting me was right, in a way,I shouldn’t of added fleshy tones to a potato self portrait.So I added tons of brown and all is well again,I think. So now me and my picture are having tea together, I must say he doesn’t say much,I think that is why I like him so much……But the way he looks at me sometimes makes me think he is gonna kill me in my sleep…….I will study his habits and get back to you Spuds….Maybe you can save me from myself…. Although he is an indolent fellow he scares me just the same……I will keep him close just like the saying says,but, If he is close it is easier to push the knife in…………….What!….Fast-Forward…………..SweetPotato save me…..Madness has taken hold of me and I fear I’ve taken hold of madnesssssssssssssssssssss…………Love you all good..day………PeculiarPotato…….P.P. Ohhhhhya that art work above is not mine.Mine is more sinistermmmuuaaahhhhhpoop.